Conflict is inevitable whenever you spend significant time with another individual. Whether with friends, family, or romantic partners, disputes are simply part of being social, because individual interests may conflict with those of the group (family) or partner (friend or lover). This is also true for other species.

But fighting all the time is exhausting and costly, not only for your physical health, but also for your social relationships. Thus, given the tension that comes naturally with living with others, sharing, and balancing your needs with those of others, what strategies are available to us?

If we look at other species, the primary strategy is avoiding conflict entirely. It’s not burying one’s head in the sand and pretending there is no problem—rather, it’s a response comprised of an abundance of communication, copious touching, and daily friendly behavior daily. Birds sing, dolphins rub faces, baboons groom each other, and bonobos…have a lot of sex. Social animals are constantly engaging in positive friendly behaviors that go a long way toward helping when there is a problem. Not surprisingly, research on human relationships reveals that it takes about 20 positive interactions to cancel out one negative one.

Conflict is sometimes unavoidable, however. Among spotted hyenas, things are always stressful following a conflict, and you can observe anxiety and uncertainty between the individuals involved. What happens after the argument, as humans know, is almost always more important than the argument itself. We often hear it’s not whether you fight that matters, but how you fight. I would argue that how and when you reconcile is at least as critical. Unlike us, animals make up pretty darn quickly and decisively. For the spotted hyena, within 5 minutes of a conflict, two individuals may be playing or licking each other, in an effort to have complete resolution.

Source: By Tom Adams (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

After bickering, chimpanzees may sit physically close to each other, hug, kiss, or groom each other to reduce the tension. Other apologies are low-key—patas monkeys apologize by simply sitting near the disputant.

In our own case, we may not be ready to hug or kiss so quickly after a dispute. But quickly reuniting and resuming positive, friendly behavior is the hallmark of reconciliation in virtually all animals, from fish to ravens to dolphins. Why? Because not doing so leads to the dissolution of a partnership or social group.

Animals show us that re-establishing positive interactions quickly after a conflict is crucial for any relationship to remain healthy. It is immensely damaging to punish and hold a grudge; give the silent treatment; or avoid an individual or issue for days or weeks. Such tactics can annihilate a relationship and, in fact, should only be used if you actually want to end it.

So what can you do after an argument?

If you can hug or touch, do that. If you don’t feeling like touching, borrow from the patas monkey approach and just sit in the same room. Or develop your own set of behaviors, gestures, or rituals to let each other know everything is okay.

Personally, I don’t like conflict and always try to re-establish connection very quickly, even if I may not be ready to talk about the problem or issue. One friend and I have an inside joke, and somehow one of us consistently uses the joke after a conflict, so now that’s our thing. We mutually and naturally agree not discuss the issue until we’ve cooled off, but one of us always gives the “all clear” sign by raising the joke within a few hours.

Another tip: If you have a friend or partner who cannot easily and readily give the all clear, it is generally a bad sign. When someone is unwilling to restore the relationship quickly it results in a buildup of tension and conflict. We only have to look to our animal counterparts to see that an inability or reluctance to restore goodwill after a tiff may be a sign that a relationship is headed for a breakup.Another tip: If you have a friend or partner who cannot easily and readily give the all clear, it is generally a bad sign. When someone is unwilling to restore the relationship quickly it results in a buildup of tension and conflict. We only have to look to our animal counterparts to see that an inability or reluctance to restore goodwill after a tiff may be a sign that a relationship is headed for a breakup.

Another tip: If you have a friend or partner who cannot easily and readily give the all clear, it is generally a bad sign. When someone is unwilling to restore the relationship quickly it results in a buildup of tension and conflict. We only have to look to our animal counterparts to see that an inability or reluctance to restore goodwill after a tiff may be a sign that a relationship is headed for a breakup.